Newton’s Third Law of Motion- 2015

As this year starts to come to a close and a new one is approaching, I realize how much I have changed in a single year.  I think most of these changes are for the better.

This year, for the first time in at least ten years, I am not going to Nana’s Christmas party.  I think this is just the break I need and a great time for reflection.  Last year, on this exact day, I woke up happy, ready to see my (then) boyfriend of almost a year and a half.  I hadn’t seen him in a while because of Christmas break and us spending the holidays in different towns an hour and a half away from each other.  That day, I would see him and we would go to Nana’s party together for the second year in a row.  Be the “it” couple I knew we were (or thought we were).  I was happy.

That day, mom and I finished baking strawberry bread, as we do every year, and I was going to deliver it to Anna, Hailey, and Julia (Kenna’s mom and sisters).  I went to their house before the party and it was supposed to be a short visit, but since I hadn’t seen them since Kenna’s funeral in October, we had a lot to catch up on and it took longer than expected.  I ended up being about an hour late for the party.

By the time I got to Nana’s, Warren was really mad.  He wouldn’t talk to me or look me in the eye (foreshadowing).  When we were finally civil enough, we made our rounds and said hi to everyone.  They all commented on how happy we looked and how we made a great couple.  We, of course, exchanged glances and thanked them.

After the party was over and everything was cleaned up, we went back to my parent’s house.  It was late, but we decided to watch a little television before we went to bed in our separate rooms.  We turned off the lights to watch TV, and he went to the bathroom, leaving his phone face up on the couch beside me.  It lit up and since the room was dark and his phone was on full brightness, it caught my eye.  It was a picture of a naked girl.  Her number was not saved, so I assumed it was a wrong number (even though this had happened before).  I opened the phone to reply that I was sorry that she had the wrong number and saw weeks worth of messages explicitly noting what they would do when they saw each other the next day since he would be home from my parent’s house and I wouldn’t be there.  I instantly knew what was happening and fell apart.  He denied everything for three days and then told me everything that had happened was my fault.  I was crushed.

That was a year ago today.

Since then, I have dated a guy for a short time who expressed that I wasn’t good enough for him and another (for a month) who was abusive.  I have been manipulated, hurt physically and emotionally, stolen from, lied to, threatened, etc.  But those are just the bad things that have happened.

In the past year, most of all, I have LEARNED.  I have learned that Newton’s third law of motion is right, not only in science, but also in life.

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”  Each bad thing that happens will eventually lead to a good thing of equal or greater importance and value.  With heartache and pain, comes happiness and love.  With weakness comes strength.  With loss comes gain.

So, where am I now?

A year after my “final straw” breaking (after losing my uncle and Kenna), I am finally happy.

The 27^th makes two months that Jeff and I have been together.  I know it’s fast, but I really do love him.

My grades are high (All A’s and one B this semester).  I’ve got a year and a half left of school. Next semester I will be at Orange Grove (a special needs school) and Soddy Daisy in their special education program.  Next year, I will be student teaching in two special ed classrooms.

I have great friends and family who love and support me and I am happier than ever. Especially since I get to see Jeff tonight after a week of him being away.

 

It all just comes to show that all is not lost and that things DO get better.  It just takes time and sometimes hard situations push you to make changes and question who you are, where you came from, and your worth.  This past year, I has helped me define Emily and brought me closer to the person I want to be.  I am thankful for each moment, each tear, each breath, each smile, and everything this year has brought to me and I cant wait to find out more about myself and where I’m going in the next one.

one month and ten days later…

Its crazy how much a month can change.  In a little over a month, my self confidence has gone up so much.  Yes, I still see lots of flaws in myself: I don’t have the body that I want, my laugh is obnoxious, I’m too emotional, and I feel way too much.  However, in the last month, I have come to see that I am beautiful and “worth it”.  I may not see myself as physically beautiful all the time, or even most of the time, but when I am with him, I do.

He makes me happier than I have ever been. Someone who I have known just a little over a month has changed the way I see myself and the way I see others.  I now see that not every guy is bad.  I’ve been through a lot with guys.  There have not been very many good ones in my life, ever, but he is one of them.  He makes me feel amazing.  He makes me know that I am worth it and that I am smart, capable, valuable, and so much more.  He constantly lets me know that he cares a lot about me, and every second I am with him, I feel loved even though he hasnt said the words out loud.

Its not even just him.  He has surrounded me with amazing people.  All of his friends lift me up so much.  I haven’t felt so full of hope and life in a LONG time.  Since WAY before we lost Kenna.  Probably ever.  I have never been an optimistic person, and I’m not saying that I suddenly am.  I still feel like people are out to get me a lot of the time, but he makes me feel safe and secure.  When I am with him, it feels like the world is not going to collapse, and even if it does, he is my safety net.  He keeps me sane.

I am not afraid to act silly, sad, emotional, crazy, obnoxious, or any of the other things that define who I am, because I know that he will accept me no matter what.  That is an amazing feeling that I have never had.

I am exhausted so I am ending here for tonight, but I will be sure to tell more tomorrow.

Today

Its amazing how much can change in a year. I know I have said that before, but I am still in shock. A year ago, Kenna had just died, I was still in a horribly emotionally abusive relationship, and I did not know what I was capable of handling. A lot has changed about me. I know that I can handle more than I ever thought I was capable.

Kenna still runs through my mind on a daily basis. I do not think that that is something I will ever fully recover from. I got a tattoo in her memory a year to the day of her death. I look at it everyday and feel like she is still here and she is still looking out for me. I’m starting to feel her presence more than ever.

I still do not believe that anything “godly” is looking out for me considering all that I have been through. Kenna dying was a major turning point of realization. She was a much better person than anyone I know and if she is gone, why do I get to stay? She is a much better person than I ever have been and probably will ever be even though I strive to be more like her on a daily basis.

Something I didn’t want to admit to anyone outside of my family and my best friend is that I got in a relationship again a while back. Its over now, but I put myself out there again after all that the last guy did to me (cheating on me with seven other girls and blaming it on me). I gave it my all and got everything shoved back at me. He was crazy. He accused me of cheating on him all the time, wouldn’t let me see my friends, and genuinely made me second-guess the person I am. I was miserable. The last time I saw him before I broke up with him, he blocked me in a closet with his body and wouldn’t let me out because I wouldn’t answer him. I never thought something like that would happen to me but it did. Needless to say, I ended that, but I never thought I was capable of getting through something like that. I did relapse back to who I used to be for a second, but I recovered and have not relapsed since.

In the last year I moved. I am now living in a new place with a drug-free roommate who is really cool and my cats. I’m starting to feel at home. I’m starting to feel like there is a place I can relax and not have to worry about what everyone thinks of me.

In the last year, I have grown up a lot. This year has lasted what seems like a million years. Looking back, its hard to imagine who I was a year ago. I was a completely different person who would let others push me down and control me. Living through all that I have has helped me see that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I can do this. I can get through life without falling apart.

Now, let me update you where I am today. I am starting my teaching career. I am working in a school doing pre-student-teaching and I LOVE it. It is one of the most rewarding things I have done in a while and I cant believe I get to do it everyday for the rest of my life! I am starting to make friends. A month ago, I had no friends that I hung out with on a daily basis, now I have a really nice guy who I am starting to really like (but am really going to take it slow so I don’t get screwed over again). He has a roommate who is really cool and his roommates girlfriend is AWESOME! I cant wait to get to know her to finally say I have a close friend who is a girl here. I also met some really cool people in my school placement. Two of my closest friends currently are from there. I am so glad I chose this major or I would not have met them! I love them and could trust them with anything.

Things are really starting to look up for me and for once, I’m actually excited to see where I will be in a year instead of scared. I really hope things continue to look up. I will continue to try to look on the positive side of things and hopefully they will!

I legitimately feel depressed. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I just feel like sitting and crying for no reason for hours on end and I don’t feel like doing anything.

I keep getting sucked into things I don’t need to be in. I search for comfort in other people without realizing it and then they wreck it and it leaves me broken.

I don’t know how to feel better.  I know I can– I have before.  I just don’t know what to do and I’m tired of feeling awful all the time.

I don’t know what to do. I know I can get through this—I have before. I just feel hopeless and lost.I

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It really upsets me how much love I have to offer and how many times I get screwed over. I give my all in a relationship and invest everything I have in it and then each time I get hurt. How is it fair to give everything you have and then receive nothing but a feeling that someone never cared about you at all? It makes no sense. I wish there was a way I could turn off feeling about people. I wish I only cared about myself. It sucks caring more about everyone else than anyone could ever care about you. Like really sucks.

How many times have I gotten hurt and I still haven’t learned my lesson? How many times will I let myself get hurt by the same person and even after we’re done, waste time crying over him? It makes no sense. Apparently I’m an idiot and I never learn. I wish there was a way relationships could be like a test where you work hard and get a reward instead of putting your all into something and just getting your heart shattered.

“You Think You Know Somebody”

To the guys that broke my heart (especially the most recent),

The song “You Think You Know Somebody” by Hunter Hayes explains everything. Because of you, I lost my trust in people, I lost my self respect, and most of all, I lost myself. After what the first of you did, I thought the worst of it was over. I thought with how bad it was, my heart and luck would give me a break. The most recent, you were one of my best friends, you knew what I went through, and you promised you wouldn’t hurt me. Six months later, I figure out you were just playing me. You knew you were leaving and you knew that what we had didn’t mean enough to you to try to make it work, but you still gave me the hope that you did. I fell for you hard. You knew that I was in love with you three years ago and you let me down then, and you knew that I was doing my best to not wait for the shoe to drop with you, but you continued to make me feel safe. I still don’t understand it.

I don’t know myself anymore because of you. You both broke me. I thought I had myself back together and that you had put me back together, but now I’m shattered again and I should be over it by now. You made me feel seen and important and now I feel invisible. How could you do that to me? You promised.

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully trust anyone again. You think you know someone after being with them for a year and a half (for the first one) and knowing and being friends with the other for almost four years (for the second), but apparently I was completely wrong on both of you. I still don’t see how I didn’t see through both of you and I hate myself for not being able to before you hurt me.

All I know is that I don’t want to fall for someone again. Once you let your guard down, you get destroyed. I saw a quote the other day that said, “Some heartbreaks are caused by expectation.” I expected you both to love me and be with me forever. The second of you told me after the first destroyed me and I wondered if it was worth it to keep fighting for the relationship, “If it happens once, it wont happen again. If it happens twice, it will surely happen again.” Well, now I’ve had my heart broken too many times to count by the two of you. I should’ve known. I hate myself for not knowing. I’m done with trusting anyone and falling for someone. I wont let it happen again. Thanks for teaching me that lesson.

Spring and new me

Its spring again! As I sit outside, I see everything that looked so dead and bare over the winter blooming and coming back to life. Last year, I lost a lot. I lost one of my best friends, I lost a relationship that I thought would last forever, I lost a lot of trust, and I honestly lost myself. It was one of the worst years of my life. It seemed like ever since we lost Kenna in October, everything just came off the track. I spent days on end locked in my room alone without any energy to move. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Then December came and my relationship ended with him cheating on me (again). At that point I thought “Its time to find the new me.” I searched and searched and tried too hard and ended up getting lost even more. I just gave up and felt completely numb all the time. Yesterday a lot happened and it was not a good day. I figured out my best friend in Chattanooga is leaving for good. He is having issues he can’t deal with so he’s just packing his bags, moving back to Florida, and not coming back. I had stuff stolen from me and had to deal with the police, this guy I really like cancelled on our plans at the last minute. I was not a happy. I haven’t been happy in a long time. I feel like crying a majority of the time. I did not look at all the good things that have happened to me. Today is a different day. It’s so pretty out and things are coming back to life. It’s time for me to come back to life too. It’s funny how much I missed that did happen for the good in my life because I was so focused on the bad. I started a relationship with an amazing guy that I have wanted to be with ever since I met him years ago, my roommate and I are getting closer, and hey, I’m writing again. Ever since Kenna died, I have felt inspired or like there was any reason to write or to share anything. The other day, I was driving home for the weekend, and the song that we played at her balloon release came on and I was singing it and was alone in my car. I look over, and there she is in my passenger seat. She’s the Kenna I knew—all smiles, the light is in her eyes, free of tubes, belting out a song with complete ease. There was no pain at all and there was no fight to breathe. She just smiled at me and sang that song. It reminded me that everything will be okay. She is still here with me and watching over me. Yes, I’m still sad and I still miss her, but it reminded me that there is reason to hope. My life has been turned upside down and, honestly, it will probably never be the same. There will always be that missing piece now that she is gone and it will take a very long time for these scars to heal, but they made me stronger. I deserve to be happy. I will be happy. It’s a new year, and its beautiful outside. Its time for me to start over and try my best to let go of the past and focus on the good. I know that’s easier said than done, but I’m going to give it my all. Kenna would want me to be happy. I have a lot going on in my life and I have a lot of potential. Its time for me to get it together and live my life and be the person I have always wanted to be. After all, what better time is there than the present?

2015

So its been a while since I’ve publicly written anything. Since we lost Kenna in October, I haven’t felt very inspired. Kenna was my source of inspiration and her not being here has taken a toll. However, writing has always been my way of expressing myself and getting my feelings out in the open so that I can deal with them. I have a lot of things I keep locked inside and I think I need to start letting them out again.

Fortunately, lately I have gotten closer to some old friends so I haven’t been struggling as much as I had expected considering how hard last year was. It was probably the worst year of my life. Lost my uncle at the beginning of August, then the next day I found out my (then) boyfriend who I had been dating for a year had cheated on me six times but I let him get away with it, then Kenna told me she was dying, then she died on October 7^th and on the 11^th was buried. I can still see her every time I see something purple or hear Luke Bryan or anything. I see her every day. Then on December 23 I found out that my (then) boyfriend was cheating on me again after he had given me a promise ring. He blamed it on me and told me it was because I kept saying that I was fat and getting more unattractive and he started to believe it and it pushed him away. I felt like after that I had lost everyone. I struggled with it so much and stayed with him for a little longer. I felt like it was my fault and that I needed to fix it. On January 5^th, he came to get his stuff and got mad and started punching walls, yelling, and throwing things. My life, at this point, felt out of control and I completely shut down. I didn’t feel anything at all. Then his grandmother got really sick and so I went and saw her. His whole family was there and by the time I got there, she was unconscious. The next day, she died. That same day, I found out he was already with the first girl he cheated on me with while at the same time begging to get back together with me. That’s when I finally decided to turn my life around.

I ended it completely and have surrounded myself with my best friends and family and decided that this year is for me. Kenna warned me about him and I hadn’t listened. She was right and this year I was going to make it a year that she would be proud of me for. This year was the year to be me, find me, and make her proud. This year is the year that I am going to be happy and be as positive as I can in every situation. This year I will not let anyone or anything hold me back from my highest potential. I will push limits I never thought I was capable of and I will learn to love myself. Kenna always told me that I was a great person with a big heart and how beautiful I was and I never believed her. This year I want to try my best to see the person she saw in me and let her light shine through me and continue her legacy of love and hope. This year I will turn my life around. This year I will be happy and I will be me.

I wrote this about a week ago but couldnt force myself to post it

So today we lost you officially. You had been gone for a while. Your spirit left a while back, it was just your shell that was still here. You are my hero. I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what to do. You were always there for me when I needed you.
Even though you were younger than me, I always went to you for advice because you were the wisest person I knew. I guess being sick all of your life does that to you- makes you learn things fast.
There isn’t a thing in the world that I hate more than CF. It made you suffer for 17 years and it took you from us too soon. You once said that even if you could’ve been born healthy, you wouldn’t have wanted to trade your life for the world. I didn’t understand it- if you could be healthy, why wouldn’t you want to be? Now I understand… in 17 years you touched more lives than most could in 100. Your fight inspired many and changed thousands of lives across the globe.
You are my hero and I cant believe youre gone, but if I would’ve known two years ago almost that you wouldn’t be here today, I would’ve been your friend anyways. I always knew being friends with you would be a short friendship but I didn’t know it would be this short and there was always that hope for a cure…
The only comfort I find in this is that you have brand new lungs in heaven and that you are no longer in pain. All the rest I don’t understand and will never understand.

When they find the cure for CF, it will be such a happy day, but it will also be very bittersweet because you should be here for it… but you wont be. Instead you’ll be looking down from Heaven and smiling. You’ll be so happy for those who do get to have a cure because that is what you were best at—caring for others even when you needed to care for yourself. You always put others in front of yourself and that’s one of the many things that made you so amazing!!!

I love you Kenna. Fly high and breathe easy…

Unnamed…

Just got the news that you’re officially dying. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what to do. I wish there was some way I could turn this around. I wish it would be me instead of you. How am I going to deal with this once you’re gone? I don’t even know what I will do. There will be no inspiration, no hope, no you. It’ll be over and you’ll be gone.
I can’t believe it was over two years ago that I met you. It just amazes me how far you’ve come. I didn’t know anyone could fight as long and as hard as you have. You’ve been in terrible pain everyday.
Some days I wake up with a headache, or a stomach ache, or my back hurts, or I’m tired and I don’t want to get out of bed. There were times when I was so unhappy, I just wanted my life to end. I wanted to hand in my book and just walk away. I didn’t want to be here anymore. Now, looking back, I feel so selfish. You fought every single day just to breathe, and there I was wishing not to. You had to fight unimaginable physical pain and most of mine was in my head.
You helped me find my way again and if it wasn’t for you, I honestly don’t know where I would be. You have gotten me through so much. On my roughest days, like when my boyfriend got into the accident, you talked me through it and told me it was going to be okay. Even when you were in horrible amounts of pain yourself, you put others first.
Someday I hope to be like you—courageous, giving, loving, selfless, and a fighter until the end. You amazed so many people by proving the doctors wrong so many times. You inspired thousands across the world to change their lives and be a better person. You brought so many to God and will break so many hearts when you go. You are so amazing.
One day, there will be a cure, and when that day comes, I know you will be smiling down on us and thinking about all the lives that will be saved. I wish one of them would be yours. You will have been one of the drives to find a cure. The whole world loves you and looks up to you. You once said that you wanted to touch so many lives before you go, and you have. Your seventeen years have been nothing short of an amazing miracle. From day one, you fought against all odds and you beat them.
You will beat this, but not in the way we wanted. The only positive thing that I can see out of this is the fact that you wont be in pain anymore. That’s it. There’s nothing else. No silver lining. No lesson to be learned. You WERE the lesson, and when you’re gone…. Your legacy will live on forever and you will live on in our hearts, but you wont be here and that’s not fair. You are seventeen years old and your story should not end here. Seventeen years isn’t enough. And you shouldn’t have had to be in pain for your whole life either. Why does this have to exist? Why did God make this disease? Or any for that matter? I’ll never understand and this will never make sense. You are one of the great things the world got, and the world is loosing you way too early. You had way too many more lives to touch….. seventeen years will NEVER be enough….